Yesterday, was my Munchkins birthday. The previous night, I cuddled my sweet munchkin and thanked God for the what an amazing blessing I have. Then, I thought Lord if anything ever happens to either one of my children please remind my of this very moment and the blessings You have given me already and to be thankful for the time, I had with them. I do not know if, that is a morbid thought or not but I know that tomorrow is not promised to us and many of us including me take it for granted much of the time. But, I have heard my Grammy’s stories of the loss of her first child and seen how it has shaped my grandparent’s lives, and more recently, I have seen and read stories of children battling cancer especially one little girl named Madison. I work with her beautiful mother and got to know a little bit about what a beautiful courageous girl Madison was through her mom and through her blog. My heart breaks for her parents, and every time, I hug my munchkins, I thank God and say a pray for Madison’s mom. Who I can only image would give anything to hold her beautiful Madison again. It reminds me of an interview, I saw of the Chapman’s after they lost their previous Maria, where Mary Beth said and I am trying to paraphrasing here, “as a mother, I want my Maria back, I do not care how many lives her death has touched,” I could not even began to image, and to be perfect honest I do not want to. I do, however, want to help but I am not good with words or encouragement and I wish I could just hug them and not out of sadness or pity but out of strength. I have been blessed and inspired through Madison and her mom and through other families, I have gotten to know through Team Madison. So, I ask you to say a prayer for these families who have lost children and the ones still fighting and remember tomorrow is not promised so savory every moment even the moments that make you want to scream or cry because you think your heart is broken.
Wow….the last few days have been testing both emotionally and physically, but you know what. God has been with me every step of the way. I am learning that I may act like the ice queen but I am far from it. I have emotions and feelings and empathy for people and I am a positive realistic person but I have let my reaction to my fear out way that. I know I have I long way to go, but the last few days have proven that I am letting go of the past and looking forward to a bright future. And, I have definitely not mastered stopping the fear dance. I do knowledge it and halt it many times but only stopped it few times. I do see how I deal with my fear button being pushed and I am working on stopping the anger and gripping because that continues the cycle of anger.
I do have a choice.
Sunday afternoon, I walked outside to the sound of thunder, yet there was no storm but a few clouds covering the sky. It was an eery quiet, as only moments before the wind had been tossing the trees limbs. I could still here the thunder, yet on storm. And, for a few seconds, I wish to be a child safe in my mom’s arms again, watching in amazement as a storm would roll through. I have always loved storms, well, the lighting amazed me, and thunder terrified me. There was something eery about the storm Sunday, and the sound of sirens made it more so. At least one twister touched out in Edmond, but the storm passed leaving trail of destruction and as Sunday rolled into Monday, the feeling continued. Today, was stuck in a thunderstorm on the way to get my munchkin, the Oklahoma metro area was pounded with rain, hail and severe wind, and then be a twisters much like the May 3rd tornadoes of 1999. I believe that one was eventually classified an F6, but I cannot remember official. Today’s, tornado, took a similar path through Moore today, I do not know all the details or does one else, as reports are still coming in. So, please, pray for Oklahoma as there have been at least three tornadoes in the last two days with more storms predicted tomorrow. Pray, Pray, Pray
Be still and know I am God. Ps 46:10a
So, a few weeks ago on my way to pickup my youngest munchkin, had a break through moment. I was praying, crying and begging God to fix me. I was so angry because I felt that every time, God did a little work on me and I felt things would be okay, I would back slide. And, most of all, I did not understand why God was not helping me get rid of my angry, negative attitude and why He was not filling the hole in my heart only He could fill. And, I do not want to be judgmental, assuming the worst in people, but be the sweet nice girl next door who loves everyone whole hearty and rarely assumes bad in people. I wanted disparately for God to fill my heart. In those moments of desperation, I realized that my angry was with God. I was shocked, I have no true reason to be angry with God, I have been greatly blessed with two wonderful munchkins, family, friends, good job, my new puppy, a roof over my head, pretty good health, etc. as soon as I spoke the words, I felt a weight lift off my chest. It was totally and completely amazing, and since those moments I have felt God. My heart is not completely fixed, but I have hope in my heart of hearts.
I have always (well, as long as a remember) been a person who does not expect good things to happen or then they do, not to get excited because I am to busy thinking, planning, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I realized today the other shoe so to speak is always going to fall because time does not stand still, and life is full of seasons, ups and downs, highs and lows, and mountains and valleys as life is all about seasons. Like my favorite versus Ecc 3:1-8.
1To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.
Regardless, of the season high or low, God is going to be with me, and I pray that I have the courage to follow the path God has for me. I am sure I will stumble, fall, and even detour a long the path but God’s grace will see me through. So, now, when life gets tough, the unexpected happens, things are not going as plan or deviate from the many backup plans, I have, I have to take a breath and recited, Psalms 46:10a.
Be still, and know that I am God.
How incredibly powerful are those few simple words. No matter what is going on in life, the world, or even the universe, God is still God and still in control.
I got my budget entered into my handy dandy iPhone app. I think it is called Budget. It is an app that allows you to do the envelope system. I got all my expenses and income entered, however, I cannot figure out where the expenses and income balance out. I do not want to run out of money before the end of the month, by putting more money in the envelopes than I have coming in. I am sure as the month goes by, I will get it figured and be able to twig my budget were needed. Since, I am going the envelope system, instead of actually putting cash in an envelope and leaving them on my counter, I am going use gift cards instead. I have an app called Balance which is just like a check registry in an app. I setup all the gift cards as accounts and have registered them on their websites. I also requested the gift cards be included in the iPhone passbook app (which I totally love) if not already. I would like password protection on the passbook app but my iPhone is password protected. Well, I am super excited to get my budget back on track and have less financial stress during 2013.
Now, the trick is the follow through, because even being a numbers and money person sticking to my own budget is hard. So, Lord, please continually remind me that life it not about all this stuff but You.
Have you watching this show? I just saw it for the first time last night at a friends house, because I do not have cable and because I saw the preview
and did not want to watch. Well, this show is terrible, yes, I just turned into my 88 Great-Grandmother. And yes, I knew better than to watch it, but for the whole two hours, I could not pull myself away from the show. The Presidential affair with the fixer, the homosexual aspect, cover ups, murder for hirer, conspiracy, voter fraud, blackmail, sex, and sex and more sex. I could not believe the terrible stuff we are filling our minds with, and the whole time, I felt God telling me to walk away. And, did I, no, I watch two hours and then tonight I watch the oldest episode, I could on my ABC app. That episode was a good wake up call, I was actually hoping to learn how the affair turned out, but instead I saw the evilness of Satan creeping into my heart and mind. I do not want to watch a show that is promoting affairs, cover ups, murder, assassination, conspiracy, voter fraud, blackmail, selling ones soul, and sex. I am all for a good roll in the hay, however, I speak from experience that sex outside of marriage comes at a very high cost. At that time, I was very glad that, I do not have cable or a converter box nor do I plan on getting either. Now, I get myself to let go of Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice because of all the bed popping and premarital sex.
Okay, I am getting off my television soapbox, because I could go on and on.
Three days into the new year and going well. I am on three week of reading through the Bible in chronological order. Job was pretty hard to read but I am hoping as I understand more of the Bible that I will be able to reread it and understand better. I have found that it is hard for me to put my Bible down was start reading it, but actually picking it up to read is hard.
I have been doing well on my journaling, and posted my wedding dress on Craig’s List writing out a budget and got most of my laundry done and been eating my veggies. So, going in strong and keeping the momentum going to reach my goals.
*manage my budget
*keep house clean
*keep munchkins in an activity
*eat healthier – more fruits and veggies
*run in three 5Ks
* grow a garden
* have a good attitude because God work everything for His glory
*have a normal sleep pattern
*write a letter to my Grandma weekly
*Journal to my munchkins
*Journal for me
*sell my wedding dress
*Read my Bible in the morning and evening
*Journal my relationship with God
*Prayer Journal….hmm that might be included above
* Read the Bible in Chronological order
*Pray daily for my family
*teach my munchkins by example
*Be thankful especially through the valleys
*Focus on God and put my family in His hands
*Have faith that my only duties is to follow God because He will give me the desires of my heart
*begin and end each day with God
*make the enough to get to know my team members
*have a better attitude
That is all I can share here
*find a good POS app (done)
*find a good inventory app (done)
*develop a budget
*intend a few craft shows
*decide what crafts to make and sell
* build a website….hmmm, do they have an app for that
*get the OU and OSU label
Well, that is it…so far so good. This is going to be year of following God and no worrying about my heart desires because those are in God’s hands too. All I need to do is follow God and He will cultivate and bring to pass the desires of my heart.