Yesterday, was my Munchkins birthday. The previous night, I cuddled my sweet munchkin and thanked God for the what an amazing blessing I have. Then, I thought Lord if anything ever happens to either one of my children please remind my of this very moment and the blessings You have given me already and to be thankful for the time, I had with them. I do not know if, that is a morbid thought or not but I know that tomorrow is not promised to us and many of us including me take it for granted much of the time. But, I have heard my Grammy’s stories of the loss of her first child and seen how it has shaped my grandparent’s lives, and more recently, I have seen and read stories of children battling cancer especially one little girl named Madison. I work with her beautiful mother and got to know a little bit about what a beautiful courageous girl Madison was through her mom and through her blog. My heart breaks for her parents, and every time, I hug my munchkins, I thank God and say a pray for Madison’s mom. Who I can only image would give anything to hold her beautiful Madison again. It reminds me of an interview, I saw of the Chapman’s after they lost their previous Maria, where Mary Beth said and I am trying to paraphrasing here, “as a mother, I want my Maria back, I do not care how many lives her death has touched,” I could not even began to image, and to be perfect honest I do not want to. I do, however, want to help but I am not good with words or encouragement and I wish I could just hug them and not out of sadness or pity but out of strength. I have been blessed and inspired through Madison and her mom and through other families, I have gotten to know through Team Madison. So, I ask you to say a prayer for these families who have lost children and the ones still fighting and remember tomorrow is not promised so savory every moment even the moments that make you want to scream or cry because you think your heart is broken.
Wow….the last few days have been testing both emotionally and physically, but you know what. God has been with me every step of the way. I am learning that I may act like the ice queen but I am far from it. I have emotions and feelings and empathy for people and I am a positive realistic person but I have let my reaction to my fear out way that. I know I have I long way to go, but the last few days have proven that I am letting go of the past and looking forward to a bright future. And, I have definitely not mastered stopping the fear dance. I do knowledge it and halt it many times but only stopped it few times. I do see how I deal with my fear button being pushed and I am working on stopping the anger and gripping because that continues the cycle of anger.
I do have a choice.
So today, I was visiting family and it was totally weird. It was like I did not even belong there. I do not know how to describe it, but I tried to analysis it all the way home. The only that came to mind is the movie A Wonderful Life, where the guy is shown what the world would be without him. I, however, felt like I was in wrong place all day like then you first meet the boyfriend’s parents. Like an intruder on a private family moment, my munchkins were having a great time so I could not bolt like the runaway bride. I guess even through this distance has been building for a long, it came to a head two weeks ago. I should have just left it a lone, but I feel like I have closure after today, so I guess that was the meaning of today.
I sold my iPad 2 and my iPad mini today for two reasons: first, I spent way to much time on them wasting brain cells and second I did need the money for my up and coming move. And, honestly, I am not the least bit sad, upset or regretful, I am glad the temptation is gone. Now, if I can just get rid of the iPod and television, I would definitely be more active and have a lot better family time.
What an awesomely blessed day today is. I have installed a negative thought detector so negative thoughts send off warning signs to get Satan deceitfully lies out of my head. So far, God has enabled me to chase those horribly negative thoughts off, and I am so excited. I have been reading Joyce Meyer book Change Your Words, Change your Life over the last few weeks and it is an amazing book. I am one of those enthusiastic dorky people who even the smallest thing (like my friend giving me M&Ms) gives me great joy. However, somewhere over the years, I have learned to bury sharing that joy, and instead, showing the world what I perceive those around me except me to be out of fear (fear of rejection). But in reading Joyce’s book, I have begun sharing the joy with those around me, and today, a faced my world with the all blessings of God and a big sweetpea smile braces and all.
I will not live in fear derived from Satan’s deceit anymore. Joyce says, “We are energized by positive words and weakened by negative ones. Words can make us angry or they can calm us down; therefore, they must have power” (Page 6). A word or words can change the course of our lives. As I look back over my life, I can see how just a few words changed the whole course of my life. Do you remember when the book The Prayer of Jabez first came out in the 90s? One of the few parts, I read stated that we should pray for blessings, which at the time I though selfish. Joyce says basically the same thing in her book. I remember thinking the first time, I read Change Your Words, Change your Life and thought what if I am not blessed. But, blessing are not always this big huge thing. God blesses us in so many different way throughout the day from M&Ms to a card to a simple smile from a strangler. We just need to see through God’s eyes, so we do not miss them. Today, is an awesomely blessed day.
Friday night, I had a conversation that ended badly. I did not know how badly until about an hour ago, however, instead of being sad or angry or throwing a poor me party, I was able to stop and see even through I lost (the friendship end) a friend, what a huge blessing that friend and their family was been on me. Regardless of how the friendship ended, I have truly been blessed and those blessings will go with me throughout my life. I have learned: how to be more positive on the outside, thankful, truly began to love with prejudice, letting go, being less prideful, and faith. I am sad but mainly joyful because I have learned so much over the last year. God has blessed me through the people He has placed in my life. Friday night as I drove home, I asked God why I cannot have that friend that you are best friends with through your whole life and knows you inside and outside and He did not answer directly. I already knew the answer, when I have a dear friend, I tend to go to the phone instead of the throne. I mean God is that friend. He knows me inside and outside including the number of hairs on my head. He brings the people into my life for reason if and then they leave is He’s plan, too. God is always here and knows the desires of my heart and I do not have to wonder, if I follow Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. ”Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 NKJV And, even through the friendship is ended they are carried in my heart, because they were in my path for a reason. Again, the God’s hand guiding me, I am going to remember my blessings and forget any negative feelings that Satan will use to deceive me with.
I do not know what to say. On July 9, the thread of trust was broken, but I have learned so much from the roller coaster of emotion that followed. I have gone from wanting to: scream in angry, curse in disbelieve, cry at the pain, sadness, and lost, walk away never to look back, hatred and a broken promise, kick myself for trusting, find help for the eating disorders, holding a hand as someone who has been there, talked about my hopes, dreams, and plans on raising the munchkins. I had valued your ideas, opinions, and experiences as I do my own mom. I cannot say that I am happy at the untruths told as the munchkins have been the ones hurt the most, but The Lord has used and my other relationships to show me a little understanding of the true meaning of love.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (I Corinthians 13:4-7 NKJV)
With God’s help, I am going to let go and think of this experience as blessing like Laura Story song Blessing.
I left lunch today, not angry, okay for about ten second, because ultimately my parenting is being attacked. But, I know in my heart I am doing the right thing and we will get through this stage (learning then their strong-will is good and then to let go. Something, I still struggle with) which is something both my munchkins will have to go through. Today, I needed a break from the parenting advise. Mainly, because I wanted to scream that my child is not your child and your tactics do not work, but unless you have a strong-willed, stubborn, sweet, heart fill of love child, you cannot understand. Generally, I just blow off this advise off, however, I just had this conversation Saturday with a friend and the angry is still fresh. And, part of people giving me advise is my venting my frustration with my oldest munchkin, who is just like me. I know how my munchkin’s brain works, however, knowing how to deal with it is as a parent is another thing. I did read a book called, “you can’t make me, but you can persuade me” which has given me a great understand of myself and taught me how to relate to my munchkin. As, I sit here on the patio, thinking about how frustrating the last year was and dread the coming one, a few thought are clear.
My munchkin will be great
I will continue to fight for both of them, even against popular belief
God will see us through this, as this is just a stepping stone in His plans for us
What a blessing, I have in both my strong-willed children
Now, my prayer is that God reminds me of this then strong wills battle it out. :). Thank you, Lord, for the topic of lunch today. You do bless us through our struggles.
Well, I have been hearing a lot about bucket list, and I have decided to make a bucket list. So, below is my bucket list it is pretty simple so no laughing.
*learning to write Old English penmanship
*to have a true relationship with God
*understand the hierarchy of English society
*be a people person but a fault nice person but I true person who see a need and helps