Meeting

Well, the big meeting with the counselor and family was today.  It did not go as well as, I hoped, but did not go as terrible as I feared.  I tried to keep it to the facts, not to harp on the past, but to set the boundaries to hopefully rebuild the trust that has been broken on all sides.  I did pretty well not rebutting their opinions and feeling and not interrupting too much til a comment was made about my mothering stills at the end.  Then, I got a bit frustrated, because it was like the whole meeting was a waste and snapped a bit.  Since then, I have been running the comment over and over in my head trying to justify being angry.  I just want to tell them that what was said was totally unforgivable, but I cannot get myself working up over it.  Would I be  justified? Absolutely.  Is it worth losing my peace over? Nope.  And, honestly, it did not even get up my skin which is a big improvement for me, because even a few weeks ago that comment would have started a soapbox speech.  I believe it is an answer to prayers.   The meeting ending on a negative note, so I do not know if history is going to meeting itself or not.  I do know that I have to be open up enough to step out in faith in opening myself up for the trust to be rebuilt.

Today, I wrote down several Bible verses to focus on during the meeting to help me keep my peace, allow them to voice their opinions and feelings, to not fact fight, and have a positive attitude.

Be still and know that I am God – Psalms 46:10

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stars up anger – Proverbs 15:1

And, whenever y ou stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses – Mark 11:25

Then Peter come to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, & I forgive?  Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven – Matthew 18:21-22

But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?  For even sinners love those who love them – Luke 6:32

And, we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose – Romans 8:28

But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you – Luke 6:27

But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you – Matthew 5:44

I also listen to the audiobooks: Boundaries by Henry Cloud, The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley, Love is a Verb & Love is a Way of Life both by Dr. Gary Chapman to help me be prepared for this meeting.  I did not want to just be the last six years of build up angry rolling out but setting the boundaries and looking to the future.

It was neat to me how the book Boundaries and The DNA of Relationships both reference a lot of the same stuff.   The biggest help is knowing what my fear button which is why many of the things that are said get under my skin and working on react correcting to it.  Because your button is always going to get pushed, it is how you to react then your button gets pushed that is the important part.  Today showed that I not where I used to be, but I am not where I need to be.

Add a comment June 18, 2013

Closing a chapter

In a previous post, I said that my Beloved would remain my Beloved then noted in this blog, however, one of my New Years goals was to let go of the past, present and future with him. During are up and down, on and off again relationship over the seven years, I have allowed my heart to grow cold, untrusting, and just assuming the worst, and this year has been about healing my heart and help guide my munchkins in healing their hearts. Yesterday morning, then he called, I was still short and my temper was quick to fare, and all I could think about was God, please, help me not be so angry and show him You. I do not know how successful I was, but then I hung up I realized he had crossed from being my Beloved to the ex. It was a freeing experience, and I could only smile. I have closed the door to this chapter of my life. I do not know what the future holds for our relationship, but I know that God is going to be walking the path with me.

Add a comment June 2, 2013

Prayers for Beloved

Beloved,

You are the only person in my life that I have to continuously forgive on a daily basic. I get so angry at you and myself because I want to believe what you are saying and that you are not just using me and our family as stepping stone to whatever you want. But your actions speak louder than your words and I do not see a different man but the man who hurt me and our family deeply and seemingly without care with lie after lie. I do not get it why lie to me and present a false person to me. I know your heart and I know the good you carry in your heart. You are a child of God whether you believe or not. I just want to shake you and say to you why do you not see that you are still here on the planet because God has a plan for you. In the last month or so you have lost three friends, and I do not know circumstances but you are here, so drop down on your knees and praise God and ask Him what His plan is for life. You know you are here for a reason, there has been more than one time where God could have taken you home.

My prayer is why God why? I am okay being single but I am not okay with you in and out of my life. I am not okay with your words of hope and the brokenness that follows then you do not follow through or the me that comes out of my stone cold heart after the brokenness. I do not like that person, because I know you are far better than how you treat me. God why can I not just walk away. The answer God spoke to my heart because through you he will see Me. God, please, guide me through this journey, keep my heart open, open my Beloved’s heart to You.

For nothing will be impossible with God-Luke 1:37

Add a comment October 14, 2012

Friend

Friend…..,If you know me, well, you know I do not use that word for many people and generally, my friendship do not last more than a few years. Just a few months ago, I lost a dear friend over….well, I cannot remember what it was over. Every time, I lose (through the relationship failing apart) a close friend, I start to wonder why. I am that terrible of a person that I do not deserve a true friend. What am i doing wrong? I always try to do the right thing in my friendships, being loyal and dedicated, apologize first, and so on but they always fall apart. The last one hurt the most, I finally through I had found a true friend. The person, I could call at two am and raise our children together and do things together be at each other family holidays like a part of the family. I hope you are getting the picture….I do not know how good of a picture I am drawing.

During the last few months, God has shown me that I lose my friendship because I put them before my relationship with God. If something was wrong, I did not pray, I would talk to my friend to comfort and support and talk some since into me or to calm me down then I should have been going to God for that. I heard a sermon by Joel Osteen last week or the week before that titled “You’ve been Framed”. Joel talked about the frame the God puts around us, and allowing us do it our way until we bump into our frame. I can look back over just the last few years and see there God was telling me that I needed to stop relying on my friends and rely on Him. The last few months have been hard because even through I have an amazing support system with my family none of them are close enough to do everyday things and I miss that. For the first, in a long time, I felt truly completely a lone but my relationship with God is growing and that is what is important.

3 comments September 26, 2012

Seek and You will find

Dear Reader,

I must start with my humble apologies, as I believe it has been over two weeks since I last posted. I am sorry.

Last week started, okay, then I had a meeting with the man up stand and no not God, that me trying to make a joke so please humor me with a laugh. And, I totally felt thrown under the bus with my head on the chopping block, but in reality, however, what I felt or perceive does not matter, my attitude going forward DOES. And, I can sit around and grumble or get angry or frustrated but that is not who I really am in the inside but a vibrant girl (in spirit, I am pushing 30) who has a heart of kindness and an glass half attitude. So, regardless, of the outcome, I am going to show the real me, and pray really really hard to let the old exterior me go cause she is pretty hard. But, it is not going to be easy after almost thirty years, but with Christ nothing is impossible. I know that my faith has playing a big role in everything as it should, and it is not really my faith. It is more my personal relationship with God that I felt is/was no exist. I mean, up until about five years ago, I was developing my personal relationship with God and then I let a boy destroy it. After, we separated for that on again off again thing, I always felt in my heart that regardless of what life throw my way, God was in control and would provide and then sometime in the last two years, I lost that feeling. I feel completely a lone, but I know in my brain that God is real and true and here for me but my heart is empty. I want to desperately to have that feeling back, to have the kind of relationship with God that Joyce Meyer preaches about. (On a side note, I have to say that I have been missing out on sum awesome God anointed preaching by refusing to listen to her because she was a woman. I was raised and still am very very conservative, but I have been trying to be less narrow minded and more open minded so listen to her and read her books, the ones I have read are awesome, go check her out). So, I went to amazon to purchase a book or more of Joyce’s then discovered that she has written a ton of books and they all sound amazing and I cannot afford them all so I went and got a library card, and checked out every Joyce Meyer book and audio book then requested all the others they have on hand at other libraries in the metro area. The library is by the way totally amazing and my munchkins discovered the kids room and they are totally in love. I did try to read three of her books at once, not smart but I am reading them and loving them. And, I have started getting up early and going into my closet and reading and praying and so far I have read all of Matthew and the first chapter of Mark. I read a chapter or two or sometimes more in the morning and then again at night, and I do not feel that total utter joy then the Holy Spirit comes into your heart that Joyce talks about in her book Intimate Relationship with God but I am trying and I do feel a comfort and then Satan tells me that I have totally messed up and the Holy Spirit is not going to fill my heart, I just quote Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” And, that is pretty awesome in and of its self because I have not taken the time to read the Bible more than at church. So, I am pretty excited about what else I am going to learn myself and not just through someone else telling what is in the Bible.

Anyways, my whole point was it is going to be a positive and inspire meeting for me because then God is for me who can be against me. So, thank you for taking to time to kick me in the bottom.

And, thank you to my readers for taking the time to read and also sharing you stories with me through comments or your own blogs.

Add a comment August 11, 2012

Last several weeks

I have been working on myself to be a better person for the last several months, but the last several weeks have been incredibly hard. Secretly, I have always wanted to have the girl next personality that is sweet and nice and innocent, but at a young age I learned to hate the world and be an angry opinionated judgmental close-mind person who own sees in black and white. Many many times, I could not even tell you were the angry was coming because it would be the tiniest thing that would cause me to be angry. Then, I read Dr. Gary Smalley’s book, “The DNA of Relationship” and begin to understand that getting angry was my primary reaction to my fear button being pushed. Then, I found Michael Smalley’s podcast “The Smalley Podcast” and it has provided that extra boost to improved myself and my relationships, but I feel like I have all this knowledge at being a better me and better mommy and yet I am still messing up which leads to frustration of why can I not get this right. Why do I still get frustrated? Why do I still want to go the fear dance? I know that my fear button is going to get pushed so why can I not react appropriately?

God answer: because you are human

Add a comment June 5, 2012

What a day?

My day started off pretty rough. First, I did not get to bed until well into the morning hours, because I let my anger get the best of me and I understood the outward anger, but I could not figure out why my fear button was pushed. I sat up half the night trying to figure it out. Then this morning, I woke up with abdomen pain so bad, I actually cried. Now, you have to understand that I rarely take any medication must less pain medication. I have seen to many people in my life become addicted to them without even realizing it. I have a high pain tolerance and have had a DNC, two c-sections, and knee surgery with very little pain medication or tears, and yes, I am proud of that. But this morning, it hurt just to stand up. I have an ovary cyst, I believe, well that is what it feels like, some test next week to be for sure. It is incredible painful and could hardly stand up, well, actually I could not stand up it hurt so bad. I have a stabbing pain in my ovary region and my whole abdomen cravity feels like the hallow feeling you get after swimming on an empty stomach times ten. So, I walked all hunch over this morning shaking and then I got to the stairs, it hurt to bad to stretch my leg out to reach the next step. I sat down on the step and scooted myself down the stairs, and my munchkin sat with me to help. Sweet Angel. Then I finally got downstairs, I had to get the munchkins dressed and myself, and we had few tense moments but we got it all done. Then I dropped the munchkins off and headed off to work, and I have to say that I felt every pothole this morning. I got to work and stayed at my desk as much as possible, however, I discovered that walking around seemed to make the pain ease a bit. Then, I got to have lunch with a great friend. I still had that hallow feeling you get in your stomach after you go swimming but it was starting to ease too. But, it was awesome to get to catch up, and in talking with my friend, I figured out what was making me angry. I was feeling rejected and used and worthless after the conversion with my other friend last night. There was a falling out a few weeks ago with my friend and their family and it just seemed like old times where I was the backup plan, in case the desired one did not work out. And, it pushed my fear button of feeling rejected and worthless, and I wanted to change the person so they would validate me. The anger was because I just wanted to be loved for me and not for the backup plan. So, as the day continued I have diffused my anger for the most part, because anger does no one any good and hurts me and damages my relationship with God. I do not want to become that angry elderly woman from my old church that scared all the little kids. I do want feel the present of God in my life. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with the knowledge to understand and handle my emotions and in controlling my emotions.

Add a comment April 28, 2012

A Day to Remember

I remember this day like it was yesterday.  I was in sixth grade, and my class has just joined the other sixth grade in their room.  I remember sitting down next to my best friend Amy and asking what had happen?  She blew me off as normally saying, “I do not know,”  and about that time the TV announcer announced it.  The footage on the news was horrific, and I could even image being there.  I remember the nurse who lost her life to help a stranglers in need, a newly wedded lady there was to change her name, and the baby Baylee in the fireman’s arms.  I believe most of the nation remembers that beautiful baby’s lifeless body being held so carefully in fireman’s arms.  I could not image the grieve her parent faced, I prayer that picture is in some way a blessing to them. I remember the out pouring of love and support from fellow Oklahomans and the nation.

I had to go to the law library yesterday, and as I walked through the courthouse, thoughts of the bombing crossed my mind.  It still creeps me out to be out to be in any downtown Oklahoma City building, especially a government building.  And, for the second time, I drove pass the memorial and I thought I need to get together with my friend and take our munchkins.

168 people lost their lives:

Victims of the Oklahoma City bombing

A list, by floor and location, of those killed in the Oklahoma City bombing on April 19, 1995:

NINTH FLOOR

Drug Enforcement Administration

Shelly D. Bland, 25, of Tuttle

Carrol June “Chip” Fields, 48, Guthrie

Rona Linn Kuehner-Chafey, 35, Oklahoma City

Carrie Ann Lenz, 26, Chotaw

Kenneth Glenn McCullough, 36, Edmond

U.S. Secret Service

Cynthia L. Brown, 26, Oklahoma City

Donald Ray Leonard, 50, Edmond

Mickey B. Maroney, 50, Oklahoma City

Linda G. McKinney, 47, Oklahoma City

Kathy Lynn Seidl, 39, Bethel

Alan G. Whicher, 40, Edmond

EIGHTH FLOOR

U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development

Ted L. Allen, 48, Norman

Peter R. Avillanoza, 56, Oklahoma City

David Neil Burkett, 47, Oklahoma City

Donald Earl Burns, Sr., 63, Oklahoma City

Kimberly Kay Clark, 39, Oklahoma City

Susan Jane Ferrell, 37, Oklahoma City

Dr. George Michael Howard, 45, Vallejo, Calif.

Antonio “Tony” C. Reyes, 55, Edmond

Lanny Lee David Scroggins, 46, Yukon

Leora Lee Sells, 57, Oklahoma City

Jules A. Valdez, 51, Edmond

David Jack Walker, 54, Edmond

Michael D. Weaver, 54, Edmond

Frances “Fran” Ann Williams, 48, Oklahoma City

Clarence Eugene Wilson, Sr. 49, Oklahoma

SEVENTH FLOOR

U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development

Diane E. (Hollingsworth) Althouse, 45, Edmond

Andrea Yvette Blanton, 33, Oklahoma City

Kim R. Cousins, 33, Midwest City

Diana Lynne Day, 38, Oklahoma City

Castine Brooks Hearn Deveroux, 49, Oklahoma City

Judy J. (Froh) Fisher, 45, Oklahoma City

Linda Louise Florence, 43, Oklahoma City

J. Colleen Guiles, 59, Oklahoma City

Thompson Eugene “Gene” Hodges, Jr., 54, Norman

Ann Kreymborg, 57, Oklahoma City

Teresa Lea Taylor Lauderdale, 41, Shawnee

Mary Leasure-Rentie, 39, Bethany

James A. McCarthy II, 53, Edmond

Betsy J. (Beebe) McGonnell, 47, Norman

Patricia Ann Nix, 47, Edmond

Terry Smith Rees, 41, Midwest City

John Thomas Stewart, 51, Oklahoma City

John Karl Van Ess III, 67, Chickasha

Jo Ann Whittenberg, 35, Oklahoma City

SIXTH FLOOR

U.S. Marine Corps Recruiting

Sgt. Benjamin LaRanzo Davis, USMC, 29, Edmond

Capt. Randolph A. Guzman, USMC, 28, Castro Valley, Calif.

FIFTH FLOOR

U.S. Department of Agriculture

Olen Burl Bloomer, 61, Moore

James E. Boles, 50, Oklahoma City

Dr. Margaret L. “Peggy” Clark, 42, Chickasha

Richard “Dick” Cummins, 55, Mustang

Doris “Adele” Higginbottom, 44, Oklahoma City

Carole Sue Khalil, 50, Oklahoma City

Rheta Bender Long, 60, Oklahoma City

U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development

Paul Gregory Beatty Broxterman, 42, Edmond

U.S. Customs Office

Paul D. Ice, 42, Midwest City

Claude Authur Medearis, S.S.A., 41, Norman

FOURTH FLOOR

U.S. Department of Transportation/Federal Highway

Lucio Aleman, Jr., 33, Oklahoma City

Mark Allen Bolte, 28, Oklahoma City

Michael Carrillo, 44, Oklahoma City

Larry James Jones, 46. Yukon

James K. Martin, 34, Oklahoma City

Ronota Ann Newberry-Woodbridge, 31, Edmond

Jerry Lee Parker, 45, Norman

Michelle A. Reeder, 33, Oklahoma City

Rick L. Tomlin, 46, Piedmont

Johnny Allen Wade, 42, Edmond

John A. Youngblood, 52, Yukon

U.S. Army Recruiting Battalion

Sgt. 1st Class Lola Bolden, U.S. Army, 40, Birmingham, Ala.

Karen Gist Carr, 32, Midwest City

Peggy Louise Holland, 37, Oklahoma City

John C. Moss III., 50, Oklahoma City

Victoria (Vickey) L. Sohn, 36, Moore

Dolores (Dee) Stratton, 51, Moore

Kayla Marie Titsworth, 3.50, Lawton

Wanda Lee Watkins, 49, Oklahoma City

THIRD FLOOR

Defense Security Service

Harley Richard Cottingham, 46, Oklahoma City

Peter L. DeMaster, 44, Oklahoma City

Norma “Jean” Johnson, 62, Oklahoma City

Larry L. Turner, 42, Oklahoma City

Robert G. Westberry, 57, Oklahoma City

Federal Employees Credit Union

Woodrow Clifford “Woody” Brady, 41, Oklahoma City

Kimberly Ruth Burgess, 29, Oklahoma City

Kathy A. Finley, 44, Yukon

Jamie (Fialkowski) Genzer, 32, Wellston

Sheila R. Gigger-Driver, 28, Oklahoma City

Linda Coleen Housley, 53, Oklahoma City

Robbin Ann Huff, 37, Bethany

Christi Yolanda Jenkins, 32, Edmond

Alvin J. Justes, 54, Oklahoma City

Valerie Jo Koelsch, 33, Oklahoma City

Kathy Cagle Leinen, 47, Oklahoma City

Claudette (Duke) Meek, 43, Oklahoma City

Frankie Ann Merrell, 23, Oklahoma City

Jill Diane Randolph, 27, Oklahoma City

Claudine Ritter, 48, Oklahoma City

Christy Rosas, 22, Moore

Sonja Lynn Sanders, 27, Moore

Karan Howell Shepherd, 27, Moore

Victoria Jeanette Texter, 37, Oklahoma City

Virginia M. Thompson, 56, El Reno

Tresia Jo “Mathes” Worton, 28, Oklahoma City

SECOND FLOOR

America’s Kids Child Development Center

Baylee Almon, 1, Oklahoma City

Danielle Nicole Bell, 15 months, Oklahoma City

Zachary Taylor Chavez, 3, Oklahoma City

Dana LeAnne Cooper, 24, Moore

Anthony Christopher Cooper II, 2, Moore

Antonio Ansara Cooper Jr., 6 months, Midwest City

Aaron M. Coverdale, 5.50, Oklahoma City

Elijah S. Coverdale, 2.50, Oklahoma City

Jaci Rae Coyne, 14 months, Moore

Brenda Faye Daniels, 42, Oklahoma City

Taylor Santoi Eaves, 8 months, Midwest City

Tevin D’Aundrae Garrett, 16 months, Midwest City

Kevin “Lee” Gottshall II, 6 months, Norman

Wanda Lee Howell, 34, Spencer

Blake Ryan Kennedy, 1.50, Amber

Dominique Ravae (Johnson)-London, 2, Oklahoma City

Chase Dalton Smith, 3, Oklahoma City

Colton Wade Smith, 2, Oklahoma City

VISITOR

Scott D. Williams, 24, Tuttle

FIRST FLOOR

Social Security Administration

Teresa Antionette Alexander, 33, Oklahoma City

Richard A. Allen, 46, Oklahoma City

Pamela Cleveland Argo, 36, Oklahoma City

Saundra G. (Sandy) Avery, 34, Midwest City

Calvin Battle, 62, Oklahoma City

Peola Battle, 56, Oklahoma City

Oleta C. Biddy, 54, Tuttle

Casandra Kay Booker, 25, Oklahoma City

Carol Louise Bowers, 53, Yukon

Peachlyn Bradley, 3, Oklahoma City

Gabreon D.L. Bruce, 3 months, Oklahoma City

Katherine Louise Cregan, 60, Oklahoma City

Ashley Megan Eckles, 4, Guthrie

Don Fritzler, 64, Oklahoma City

Mary Anne Fritzler, 57, Oklahoma City

Laura Jane Garrison, 61, Oklahoma City

Margaret Betterton Goodson, 54, Oklahoma City

Ethel L. Griffin, 55, Edmond

Cheryl E. Hammon, 44, Oklahoma City

Ronald Vernon Harding, Sr., 55, Oklahoma City

Thomas Lynn Hawthorne, Sr., 52, Choctaw

Dr. Charles E. Hurlburt, 73, Oklahoma City

Jean Nutting Hurlburt, 67, Oklahoma City

Raymond “Lee” Johnson, 59, Oklahoma City

LaKesha Richardson Levy, 21, Midwest City

Aurelia Donna Luster, 43, Guthrie

Robert Lee Luster, Jr., 45, Guthrie

Rev. Gilbert X. Martinez, 35, Oklahoma City

Cartney J. McRaven, 19, Midwest City

Derwin W. Miller, 27, Oklahoma City

Eula Leigh Mitchell, 64, Oklahoma City

Emilio Tapia, 50, Oklahoma City

Charlotte Andrea Lewis Thomas, 43, Oklahoma City

Michael George Thompson, 47, Yukon

LaRue A. Treanor, 55, Guthrie

Luther H. Treanor, 61, Guthrie

Robert N. Walker, Jr., 52, Oklahoma City

Julie Marie Welch, 23, Oklahoma City

W. Stephen Williams, 42, Cashion

Sharon Louise Wood-Chesnut, 47, Oklahoma City

General Services Administration

Steven Douglas Curry, 44, Norman

Michael L. Loudenslager, 48, Harrah

THOSE KILLED IN SURROUNDING AREA

Rescue Worker

Rebecca Needham Anderson, 37, Midwest City

Athenian Building (Job Corps)

Anita Christine Hightower, 27, Oklahoma City

Kathryn Elizabeth Ridley, 24, Oklahoma City

Oklahoma Water Resources Board Building

Robert N. Chipman, 51, Edmond

Trudy Jean Rigney, 31, Midwest City (http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2001-06-11-mcveigh-victims.htm

 

17th years have passed since this horrific crime.

http://www.news9.com/story/17579983/oklahomans-mark-17-years-since-murrah-building-bombing

Add a comment April 20, 2012

Joyful Heart

Today, my Great Grandma, or as we like to call her GG ask me to change on bed linens, which I totally agreed to do. I mean she is my Great Grandma and 87 years old, why would I not help her?  But, that was duty and honor talking, but tonight I did it with joy and love in my heart.  It was a great honor to change my GG bed linens.  And, I do not have any pride in my heart about being the one to help, but total joy that I got to help my GG.

 

I am truly blessed to still have a GG.

 

Add a comment April 16, 2012

Are you doing to make Lemonade or sour tummy?

Hmmm…..if you really know me then you know that I am a pessimist posing as a realistic who is really an optimistic.  And, I try very hard to make lemonade then life hands me lemons and generally I am pretty successful after a few days of sour tummy, but I would like to change that and make fresh lemonade.   Life is always going to give you lemons, it is what, when, where, and how you handle the lemons that is important.  I want to find the silver lining in before I let a negative word come out of my mouth in any given situation.

Add a comment April 15, 2012