Beloved

June 23, 2012 sweetpea2200
Tags: , ,

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the point where our relationship started to crumble and fight for you instead of crawling into myself and letting my pride get in the way. I wonder if it would have made a difference? There has been several times I have fought and lost you, but I was fighting for selfish reasons and it was only half-hearted. Then the last few months, I let my fear and bitterness sideline me. I did not want to go down the same road again and I would talk to you and get so excited and make plans and get all these expectations of you and would be hurt then you did not meet them. I bet you did not even know I had all these exceptions for you to meet. I reasoned to myself was that I wanted you to focus on you but that is half true and half cop out. I have cried many many night for our relationship. I have been on my hands and knees begging God to touch you and us and if nothing else to just let you feel me wherever you were to just feel my love for you in your heart or to feel my hand holding yours. I do not know the answer to those prayers, I have never thought to ask you. We both know the number of times we have said goodbye to each other and it was never easy for me but I definitely tried to give that impression and I do not know if you saw through it or not. I know you hit the nail on the head when you said, I was afraid of being hurt. I was and I was afraid of the blow to my pride of being that girl who just could not let go. You use to tell me to loved me but I did not believe it because I could not feel it in your words or your actions like I could in the beginning. You know me, actions speak louder than words, and I expected you to be the guy I fell in love. I wanted that so badly and just did not know how to tell you that is want I needed. I pushed you away and hardened my heart and let the bitterness slowly creep in because I was not the person that you choice to include in your life. I always fell like the back up plan and instead of saying something and I let it fester. I do not know if that is what you believed or not but I should have faced it head on and save us both a lot of heartache.

Father’s Day was the final blow and the ultimate and ultimates, then I got that text, “I do not love you anymore.”. Talk about a slap in the face, and yes I wanted to hurt you as badly as you had just hurt me. I did snap a little trying to defend my position and that I was not all to blame, and wanted to pop on a plane to go shake some since into you. I wanted to go run out and grab the first single guy out there or change my Facebook status to In a relationship or post the song that (you know the one that where she just wants to hold on through the night and she will let go) or post sappy stuff dating or a new guy etc etc. I biggest fear over the last five plus years is that I would lose you and not by me walking away and I have. It is sobering and heartbreaking and I just want to scream pick me pick me (I believe I actually did that once) and scratch the other girl’s eyes out but the grownup inside of me just wants you to be happy even if that is without me.

Forty thousand chips and cantaloupe

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Entry Filed under: Relationships

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