I am beautiful

June 26, 2012 sweetpea2200
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Most of my life, I have struggled with being overweight. I was never the pretty girl or the popular girl, but the chubby girl. I hated to wear pants because I felt incredible fat in them and because they were always to long in the waist. I am short legged and have a short body with big hips, big bottom, and a little waist for my size not the greatest combo for the jeans of the eighties and nineties. It is a bit easier now that we have low ride jeans, but finding low ride jeans that have room for my big bottom and my little waist is still hard. My sister actually picked out of favorite pair of jeans ever and I was not even with her. Anyway, I have not spend my life on every diet know to man, I weight actually 175 pounds from sixth grade through my freshman year in college until I discovered that I could use my IBS to my advantage and not eat except on Fridays. And, if I did not eat all week and went to the gym everyday and would reward myself with three triple burgers from Burger King which at the time where only a dollar each. I lost fifty pounds in a month and I felt awesome, well emotionally, I thought I did. I went from a size 16-18 to an 8-10. I do not think I have even seen those numbers, well ever. I was still a bit depressed because under the clothes I still looked fat, but it was not like anyone was touching me and the package looked awesome. It was like I was sexy and loving it. I actually got a few double looks. And, then my friend figure out what I was doing and ratted my out to my aunt and uncle. Man, I was so mad if I could have spit nails at her I would have. So, I had to find I different way, so after watching a episode of Strong Medicine (a lifetime series) I learned about website that helped to not eat and throw up. So, I decided to trying throwing up, I knew logical that throwing up does not really prevent weight gain since you start breaking out and absorbing the food as it hit your stomach. I was going to try but I was absolutely not going to ram my finger down my throat so I got the stuff you drink. It was awesome the first time. Now, you have to understand I HATE throwing up, and I know you are thinking well who does? But, to this date I had only throw up four times since I was old enough to remember. If nausea and vomiting where a symptoms I did not have it and the few times I did ice chips and pepto were my best friends. So here, I was going to do it on promise, wow, I was truly stupid. The first time worked like a charm eat dinner, drank my stuff, and before I know it and it was done. I thought man, this is awesome and no one would know. So, then the second night, I did the same thing, however, I did not drink enough, and laid in the bathroom all night. I am not sure, I explain how sick I truly was and pray many many times for God to just kill me or just let me die. I begged and prayed for death that horrible night. The extreme nausea, the cold sweats, the hot flashes, the smell of the dirt carpet and I thought really this is what I have reduced myself too. Well, after that I would like to say that I learned my lesson but I did not. The next thing, I tried was ephedra because I hear a story on the new about a woman used it and lost two hundred poundd but then dropped dead of a heartattack and stupid me decided that I would try it. So, I could eat whatever I wanted and took my ephedra. Well, one day I took to many and was sicker than a dog. I felt terrible, but not as bad as that night on the bathroom floor. I was so sick at my stomach and I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, and I do could not breath. So, what to do, I mean, I could not tell anyone what I had done, and I just knew if I did not stop my heart racing, I would die. So, I could my Grammy heart medicine, and in a little bit I could at least breath a bit easier and as the day wore on and the ephedra wore off, I being to feel human being. Did I learn my lesson…..finally. I started eating and going to the gym and I still lost weight and actually felt amazing. Then got married and start the birth control shot and gained eighty pound in a month and had tons of complications for it and I was back in the dumps again. I had never weight more than 175 pounds and there I was pushing 220. And, that lasted through the two years we were together then we split up and I lost eighty pounds again partly because I did not have car and had to walk everywhere and partly because I could not afford to over eat. So, then, I decided that I would join the army so I could have a career and a stead income so I started getting into shape and while I was in this process I met and fell quick for my beloved and before I knew it I was pregnant, which I could not believe because my husband and I tried for two years. We did get pregnant once but lost it on Christmas day. Anyway, since the time both my children were born worrying about my weight has not been a big issue. I talk like it is sometimes but it all actually it is not because I have learned it is not about losing weight but about being healthy and making healthy choices and seeing my beauty through God’s eyes. This morning, I got to see a small glance of the beauty that God sees in me. I am a bit short for a woman, 30 pound to heavy by that weight chart, I have gray hair (since I was sixteen) and far from drop dead gorgeous (yes, I can acknowledge another woman’s beauty) but I am beautiful in the sight of God. This morning as I looked in the mirror I saw a bit of the beauty that God sees in me. God sees all my faults and still He ask His Son to die for me. Jesus laid down His life so I am know His Father. What an awesome God I serve and God knows the moments that I need to see my beauty through Him. Thank, Lord.

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Entry Filed under: Faith,Life

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