Broken

March 2, 2015 sweetpea2200

My munchkins’ dad has been on my heart a lot lately, probably because we chatted over text a few weeks ago and my heart broke for
him.  I could tell
something was bugging him.  As the conversation deepened, I could tell
he was just down; thinking of what might have been and the what ifs.  Hindsight, is always
twenty twenty. He apologize for how he treated me and munchkins and our failed
relationship and asked if we could get back together.  Of course, that song, We are Never Being Back Together, popped in head, :(.  I know, I know, I am a work in progress. Then, I said no, after waiting for him to get his act together for three years, I had
finally let us go, over a year ago and then I was seeing someone. This was a totally fib.  Totally wrong, I know, but there is someone I would like to
see, I cannot, since it would be totally inappropriate (which is another blog
altogether). Then, he next question, “Do the kids ask about me?” And, I
answered honestly, “Not really, but if they do, I tell them what I know or I
do not know.” His respond blew my mind even for him. “Good”. Say what,
you are totally okay with your children not asking about you?  So, I asked why, and his respond, “So
they will forget me? Is this guy your seeing good to them?” See, lying
always catches you in the end. So, I came clean, but I am so over the whole getting back together conversation.  
Then, I had to think long a hard on what to say next, because my job
is not to mother/judge/condemn him. “The kids love you, and no one will
ever take your place in their hearts, even if by some miracle, I do 
remarry.”  Wait, to all the amazing stepdads who have become dads of our hearts, do not take offense. I personally have an amazing stepdad, who
loves me unconditionally even after being a total and complete jerk to him,
then he and my mom got together. He has become my dad of my heart,
but I will always wonder about the man 
who fathered me.

In those moments talking to my ex, my heart broke for my
munchkins and for him.  He has no idea what he is missing. They
 just want their dad. They are young
enough that they are not going to hold past mistakes against him, but that
is not going to last forever. I wish he could just see their love for him that is
still young innocent and unconditional. They do not know or care yet,
about his past, they just want their dad. I do not even care about his past,
as long as it does not become his future, I just want him to see what is he
missing. Our children are growing up, and they need their dad. I have
tried to be both mom and dad, but I fall short. I realized that I cannot be
Dad, but I so desperately do not want our children become a statistic and 
following down his path of drugs and gambling. Lord, please break his
heart for he children to be a courageous father who honors You and loves
his children unconditional. Lord, open my heart to know that this time You have changed his heart and that Your hand is guide his path. Lord, give us the strength to
endure whatever challenges lay ahead.

 

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