Posts filed under: ‘Starting over‘




One Arrow At A Time

Thursday night, I was so frustrated that I quit. I quit archery because I suck so badly. I have been trying to practice my form but I still cannot group consistently. I was so frustrated Thursday evenings that I sat at the range and cried. Now, if know me, you know it takes a lot for me to break and to break in front of people, even more so. I love archery. My friends even joke that the archery range is my second home, but I do not want to suck at it, actually, to be perfectly honest I wanted to some day go to the Olympics as a family with my munchkins shooting together on the US Olympic team. I know that is a pipe (pike, hmmm) dream but still an achievable one with much practice and dedication. With every bad shot, I saw that dream going by the wayside, and the frustration mounted, well and any other dream to be successful in archery. I wanted to cry, scream, yell, and go over to the gun range because I can hit that target. I would have thrown my bow, but the image of it scattering and the fact the video of me throwing a tantrum would probably end up on youtube stopped me. My oldest said, “Mommy, you do not suck if you did you would not have gotten your first pin.” Actually, I got enough points to earn my first three pins, but you can only get one pin at a time. My munchkins’ coaches tried to reassure me that I am not a complete lost cause, and she even told me about her target panic and that she was not always the nicest person while she was dealing with and working through the issue. I kind of hope she was letting me know that even through I was grouchy, crappy, ugly, depressing, (you get the picture), she understood my attitude and was letting me know it was okay. I really do need to apologize for my attitude. I am just tired of sucking, even if I do not make the Olympics, I still want to be good. Then this guy stopped by to ask me about a note he had left,(it was a sales tax discount of archery stuff), I told him, I quit and then I wanted to cry again. My friend heard me and asked if I was serious, and I said yes, “I am tried of sucking. You know like that country song, “You got to know then to fold ‘em,” and she said and walk away. I thought yep, got to know then you hold ‘em, fold ‘em and walk away. My ex thought me that not only at the poker table but in our relationship. I had to fold ‘em and run as the song says. But, I had forgotten about the walk away, so I decided to listen to the song on my phone. And, who knew, a song older than me about a gambler would make me wonder it quitting is the answer.

‘Cause every hand’s a winner

And every hand’s a loser

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You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table

There’ll be time enough for countin’ When the dealin’s done

So, maybe I can be a winner, but I have to stop counting my money at the table. I have to take it one step at a time, literally. As Ms. Jane Johnson says, “Focus on your goals, one arrow at a time.” I need goals like the ones, I wrote for my oldest to be able to move up to an Olympic recurve bow. And, when reached, we will set new goals to earn the different equipment that will be needed like stabilizers, sights, plungers, finger tabs, etc, etc etc (ha, remember the King and I, sorry, I can never resist). So, I need a few days to rest, regroup, set goals, and achieve them, one arrow at a time. Now, to go out there today to with my big girl panties and shoot my hundred arrows and working on consistent form and the grouping will then my form is consistent.

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Add a comment July 27, 2015

Are you doing to make Lemonade or sour tummy?

Hmmm…..if you really know me then you know that I am a pessimist posing as a realistic who is really an optimistic.  And, I try very hard to make lemonade then life hands me lemons and generally I am pretty successful after a few days of sour tummy, but I would like to change that and make fresh lemonade.   Life is always going to give you lemons, it is what, when, where, and how you handle the lemons that is important.  I want to find the silver lining in before I let a negative word come out of my mouth in any given situation.

Add a comment April 15, 2012

me

Wow….the last few days have been testing both emotionally and physically, but you know what.  God has been with me every step of the way.  I am learning that I may act like the ice queen but I am far from it.  I have emotions and feelings and empathy for people and I am a positive realistic person but I have let my reaction to my fear out way that.  I know I have I long way to go, but the last few days have proven that I am letting go of the past and looking forward to a bright future.   And, I have definitely not mastered stopping the fear dance.  I do knowledge it and halt it many times but only stopped it few times.  I do see how I deal with my fear button being pushed and I am working on stopping the anger and gripping because that continues the cycle of anger.

 

I do have a choice.

10 comments April 12, 2012

Day 2

“The External problem is rarely the real problem.” (Smalley 18)

If you stop to think about this, I have been assuming (and you know what happens when you ass…ume) that the surface problem was the problem. But sum, it up in Sweetpea’s terms, we all have a core fear and then someone pushes that button, we react by pushing their button out of our own fear, and they react and the cycle or “Fear Dance” as Dr. Smalley calls it continues. I can look at all most any of my conflict and see this cycle and how this cycle has and how I have allowed it to continue. My core fear is a fear of invalidation and rejection, and as I look back over my life, I can see out I allowed my fears to control my actions.

For example, in high school, I used to tell me my mom that no one liked me and that no one was my friend, but in reality, I was scared to put myself out there so I did not do anything is high school. I love to play sports, and if I had actually put out the effort, I would not have been winning in college scholarships but I would have been a good player. But, I was scared of reject and I cannot play. Or, I could have been more social like attending the games even if I did not play. I remember one girl in my class, never played but was always there to support the team.

Or, more recently, I was got a new boss and everyone is still settling in. And, our policy within the department is changing but no one told me so I was rejecting claims following the old policy so then someone questioned it and the new boss approved it. I was pissed. How could a manager hang his person out to dry? But, in reality, it pushed my core fear of being rejected so I reacted. i do not know how the situation is going to play out but I hope to have new dance steps because getting angry and withdrawing is only hurting me, and it is time to melt this Ice Queen’s heart

Add a comment January 25, 2012

Finally….Day 1

A bit of history during the last four or five years, I have fallen away from God and while my situation to turn my heart cold. And, I am tired of being The Ice Queen and always looking to see how someone is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Always assumes the negative, now I have always been a realist with a the glass is half full (which only the closest people to me saw that side) but over the last few years I have slowly replaced my half full glass with an empty one and then wondered why it was empty. So, I am going to read and blog about a book a read back in 2005 that helped my grow closer to the God and learn how to balance my life until I chose to let life pull me down.

Day 1….Reading “The DNA of Relationships, by Dr. Gary Smalley

“Life is Relationship, the rest is just Detail” (Smalley, 3) this phase was actually coined by Dr. Scott Sticksel.

This took a minute to set in, but a very true statement. We have relationships with parents, children, siblings, in-laws, friends, employers, employees, customers or clients, neighbors, etc. Even the business world is utilizing relationships, and many are turning the focus on bettering inter company relationship as well as customer/client relationships and how to capitalize on those relationship for betterment of the company. I want to improve myself to better my relationship both personal and professional.

“The DNA Code:
1. You are made for relationship
2. You are made with the capacity to choose
3. You are made to take responsibility for yourself
” (Smalley, 11)

I love these, and Dr. Smalley explains these more are great detail in following chapters. This is our emotional DNA makeup.

And, my favorite quote of the chapter and this is a hard one for me because it is so easy to slip into the role of the victim.

“You have to take control of your life, stop being a victim of your past, and start moving on to something new.” (Smalley 13)

Many times, I just want to be validated for everything that I do do and then that does not happen, I tend to slip into the victim shoes, and it is poor me no one know see all that I do and that I am trying to do what I believe is right for my immediate family and my family as a whole. But, then one day I realized that even if they did validate all my hard work, I would not believe they actually meant it and were not just telling me what I wanted to hear. So, they were in a lose lose situation, all because I needed validation and wanted them to change to meet my needs, but they could not because God is the only who can meet those needs. Why? Because that is the way He made us for a relationship with Him.

Add a comment January 25, 2012

Hard day

I have decided that I do need to reread Dr. Gary Smalley’s book the DNA of Relationships make notes and apply the principles to my life again because my life to changes and seems to be opening in on me. So, I am going to have to readjust my life to I do not fall into my self validation mode.

Add a comment November 19, 2011

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