Posts tagged ‘Life ‘




Craving

As I lay here trying to sleep, thinking about how long it is been since I have been in a
relationship, it occurred to me that I have never been in a safe intimate relationship
that I truly trusted the other person. Granted, I have only had two serious
relationships, one being my ex-husband and the second been my munchkins dad, so
my experience is lacking. But, I could never just be with them. With my ex-husband,
I was to busy being the needy dependent one to open our relationship to that level
and with my munchkins dad, I was to busy trying to live up to his crazy high
standards and what his ulterior motive was. I have
discovered that, I crave a safe truly intimate (more than the physical) relationship
with someone who will be my best friend love me faults and all. Someone who
knows to leave me be when, I am angry but knows to stay close by. Someone who
coddles me then I am sick. Someone who just holds my hand because they know
that is my love language. Someone who loves my munchkins, because the way to a
mother’s hearts is to love her kids as they were yours. Someone who will kiss me
without the expectation of sex, because it is intimately sweet and shows that I am
special. Someone who can shoot the breeze with my dad and show my mom
respect, but know then to stand up for me. Someone to share my interest
with like archery or just sitting down on the porch watch a good old fashion
thunderstorm roll through. Someone to smile, at how I get excited over the
dumbest things, someone who gets excited at me getting excited. Someone, who I can share their life with and know them as intimately as I know myself. I want a
relationship and marriage like my friend had that last fifty plus years.

Now, with that being said, am going to pounce on the first guy that shows a bit of
interest or sit back and watch life pass me by. Absolutely not, I am content with my
life, and blessed beyond belief, and this craving because does not change that, but
opens my eyes to what I need to have a safe intimate relationship and what I am
capable of giving. And, God will either put him in my path or take the crave
from my heart, but either way God is in control and He knows the journey that is ahead
for me. 

Add a comment April 24, 2015

GG

Today, I sit here writing a blog about my favorite love story while you are about to see your love after twenty years of being apart. I am excited and a little jealous that you will soon meet Jesus face to face and see Papa again. I pray that you are not suffering and that your journey from this world is quick and peaceful. I wonder what is going to happen to the family now that the glue holding us together is dissolving. Will we stay in contact? Or will we just see each other at weddings and funerals? Then Papa passed our family traditions started to fade. It started with the 4th of July, the first holiday after Papa passed and then progressed to Thanksgiving the next year with Auntie’s heart attack. Then Christmas as us kids grew up and moved away and had children of our own. A few months ago, when, I drove back to Little Town, USA to help pack your house so it could be sold, it was a surreal feeling. I remember driving into town thinking, there is not a single reason to ever come back here. I do not generally visit Auntie and Uncle, and if I did it would not be here. The saying, “You can never return home,” felt so true. I have wondered where we will gather as a family once you have passed, because your house would have been where we would gather. Are we even going to gather as one big family? The time between a passing and the funeral is always a special time to just stop, reflect, and just remember the times with the one who has passed. Are we going to get that as a extended family or just going to be our branch of the family tree gathered together? I do not know, what will happened but I know we will be okay. You have raised all us kids to be strong and faithful and love God with all our hearts. GG, I am so blessed to have you as a Grandma. You took me in then things were rough at home and taught me to love my Mom through our differences and for who she is by letting go of the past. You would tell me that you did not know how I did it, being a single Mom, but GG you raised your younger brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and many more kids in the community. Even my children have memories with their Great Great Grandma, how awesome is that. I wish, I could just have one more minute with you just to tell you, I love you. And, well, to see whether you would love or hate the Christmas present, I made you :). It is your favorite color red, but I did tear a Baptist hymnal up to use the pages. I can see both your reactions: you loving it and then the scolding for destroying a hymnal. But, then, I was committing my felony (the destruction of the hymnal), I was remembering all the hymns you would sing while you went about your business. You said you could not carry a tune, but I loved to hear you sing. I still love to hear those old hymns, it is like being at your house during summer vacation. I loved summers with you and Papa. You would sit me up on the counter and teach me to cook, well, try to teach me. On Saturday’s, we would take you to the beauty shop and we would help Papa clean house. Then we would pick you up and go to Hardee’s for a roast beef sandwich, then on to do the groceries shopping. I remember our allowance was 1.50 a week. I remember, it taking two very long painful weeks to save three dollars. 🙂 I learned so much from you, but the biggest were to love, fight, and have compassion. I will miss you, but I will be okay. The hard part is watching my children lose you. GG, how did you help your children through their loses? I did not know, my heart could break this much. I truly understand a Mom’s heart breaking for her children. The heartbreak their dad causing it nothing compared to this. We will be well, GG, because we know you will be with Jesus, and is exactly how I explained it. I am so excited that anytime now, Jesus’ is going to welcome you with open arms and that someday, we will see you again. We will all love and miss you, but rejoice that someday we will meet again because this is not our home.

All my heart,
sweetpea

1 comment January 12, 2015

Runway Bride……I am a runner, are you?

Do you remember that movie Runway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere?  The movie where Julia Robert character runs from all her weddings moments before she is to exchange her vows?  I tend to be a runner, then things start to look like I am going to be hurt…..I run and depending on who you are depends on how fast I run.  On New Years Day, I got mad at one of my dear friends. Our friendship has always been rocky, so my first instinct was to get my things, she had and be done with this friendship.  But, God reminded me of my motto for 2015 which is QBQ?  I could not fail on the first day of 2015, and I have a sneaking feeling that I need to go to her church and I did not want the white elephant in the room.  So, I ask her what I could do to fix this?  We did not really resolve the issue, but I realized through our discussion that God has place some really amazing people in my life to help my through the changes coming this year.  I even tried running when I learned of these changes. But God said nope, and has closed every door I have tried to open myself. I believe He has given me the support and equipment to handle the changes and allowed me to see what I need to learn. I even try running from God, then I think He has giving up on me.  Sometime, I cannot feel God, and I beg to just be able to feel His present and then I do not, that is then the doubt set in.  Is God real? Why would He care what I think or do?  If God is real why cannot I feel Him? Why did He leave me?  What did I do wrong? Why? Why? Why?  Is the question at hand.  This is when I general run fast and furious and shut Him out of my life.  No matter, what I do I cannot run from God, and I am tired of running.  You cannot out run hurt.  We are going to hurt and be hurt, it is  part of life.  I have discovered that many of my hurts are because I had false expectations for others.  My prayer today is that I have less expectations for others and just allow them and me to be who we are without expectations.

Add a comment January 5, 2015

2015 New Years Resolutions Goals Plan Path Journey

  • 2015 New Years Resolutions Goals Plan Path JourneyWe all know that resolutions are rarely successful. Goals are great but must be outlined then draw and quarterly with little give.  Plans are just dreams that have not become goals.  Path is the road to walk, but the journey is how we walk the path.  I want 2015 to be an amazing journey where I can finally get out of the desert.  Ever feel like the Israelities in your life wandering around the desert for forty years? I am not forty, though my hair says, I could be fifty or sixty and have only been suck for the last three years.  I realized through many closed doors and much prayer that I have to learn to be content with what I am blessed with.  I have a job that I am good at, but I stopped taking the initiative and lost the drive to go the extra mile, but just in the last few weeks God has opened my eyes to see that I have amazing coworker who are becoming friends, and personally, I just want to be a better Mom, and get my ab muscle back :).  Last year, I learned that I cannot be both mom and dad filling in for their dad absents and no one can ever replace him or fill that void but God.  I can focus on our relationships and on our family relationship to help give them a solid foundation.  I want to spend 2015 learning what I can do to have a better attitude and mindset.  To not be that mom, about to rip her hair out in the middle of the Target line because her kids are running a muck or the disgruntled employee who does what is ask while bellyaching in the inside.  I read a book called QBQ several months ago, and then I begging God for an answer for a guide for 2015 this was my answer.  I rediscovered on New Years Day the author and his wife has also written a book called Parenting the QBQ way.  So, I rushed down to the Baptist Book Store and purchased their only copy.  My new motto “What is the QBQ?”.   Which stands for the Question Behind the Questions, both books talk about IQ andQBQ.  An IQ is the incorrect question and theQBQ question behind the question being the better question to ask.  IQ start with why, what, who and general use you, where aQBQ contains anI and an action.   It is a retraining of yourself to get go of what is ready done (good, bad, or ugly) and focusing on what you yourself can do moving forward.Motto: QBQ
    Bible Versus:

    • Psalms 46:10aBe still, and know that I am God
    • Jeremiah 29:11For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope
    • Matthew 7:7-8Ask, and It will be given to you: seek, and your will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.   For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
    • Proverbs 31: This is the kind of woman, I want to be

Workouts: Five Minutes Abs – daily
Tiny House:  I will have the trailer and shell built by the end of 2015, but I am going to work super hard on having in complete
Massage: Complete my freshman term

What does your 2015 journey look like?

Add a comment January 3, 2015

Bad to Better

Yesterday, started out badly, mainly because I did not got to bed early enough the night before. Then the arguing started about wearing weather appropriate clothes. Then word of my third rejection and that then the tears started and battle not to let them fall. Then, I talked with a friend and expressed all my feeling about the day and this stupid crazy school girl crush I have. Which I am guess is driving to roller coaster of emotion, because I am 32 and happy being a single mom. Why do I have this crush? I digress, but I felt loads better after my confession and my day improved. I even worked on my RV living plan.

This morning Bible versus was:

Galatians 1:10 For do I now persuade men or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still please men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

Wow…I have to stop trying to impress others and just focus on God. God knows what the plans are for my life and my hearts desires and He will bring them to pass in His time not mine.

Add a comment November 4, 2014

Dating Again

Dating Again

I have decide that it is time to think about dating again, and a coworker told me about a free dating website. Last weekend, I thought why not give this a try what is it going to hurt. I setup my profile, answered some weird questions and started searching. I was just honest and straight forward. The biggest thing was waiting for a more intimate relationship until marriage. I have already received a message from a troll being nasty to and guy saying sorry that is a no go for him, which I am total fine with. But in this process, I decided that I will be setting an example for my children if and then I dated again. I do not want to be the mother preaching one thing and doing another. I do not plan on meeting anyone, but it will have an amazing interesting learning experience. It was actually been a good to see that I am not longer that lonely young girl just looking for love and settling for who will take me. I know what I want and definitely what I do not want, which things I am willing to bend on and which I stand behind. It is a freeing feeling to know that I am valuable and special and if you are going to be a part of my life and later my children’s then you should know and respect me. I would not have to settle.

Honestly, I have not done, a lot of dating in my life. I dating my ex-husband a few months before we married and then I believe I dated my children’s dad a few weeks before we moved in. And, my first date even was my senior year in high school who I have never heard from again. The first year after my husband and I split, I had one date on Valentine’s Day, just so I was not alone. And, after the Valentine Day date, I had a few dates with a coworker’s friend, but I do not remember much about him but he had a beard. So, this online dating is weird.

Is okay to be chatting with four guys at a time?
When do you say okay, we are take this to the next level and only talk to each other?
How long should you chat in online before texting and talking on the phone?
Is there a timeline to follow you chat for a week online, then text a few more weeks, and talk on the phone a few times then you have a date, etc?
How long should you chat, text, and talk on the phone before you meet?
How in depth should the discussions go?
Do I really want to meet someone I met on the net?
What if he is a jerk in person?
Why do the married guy keep popping up on my matches?
Why am I here again, I am perfectly happy with my life now?
Can I ask about their online dating search without sound jealous or crazy?
Can I lose the fifty pounds a gained over the last year before I actually meet this person?

I believe these questions and the work of a relationship is what kept me hanging on to the past, but I am happy with my life either way.

2 comments September 27, 2014

To Build or to Snowball

Tiny House

I have been thinking about living simply for a while. We have been downsizing for over two years and trying to be more eco-friendly. I have this dream to live in a small house raising my kids. Now, the question becomes do I stop my debt snowball and save everything I can to build my tiny house then continue with the debt snowball or wait ten years to be debt-free then built my tiny house. I know Dave Ramsey says to be debt- free first, but is that step right for me? Am I just tiny house happy? With the tiny house over seventy percent of all my current income with be freed up and that will increase as time goes by to throw at the debt. Hmmm….what to do? What to do?

Can we live in a tiny house? Yes, I believe we can. I believe it will open a new world and new depths to our family relationships.

1 comment July 11, 2014

Bye-Bye TV

Bye-Bye TV

I have wanted to box up my television for at least a year, after reading several Amish romance books, and watched a documentary on this family who gave up all modern living.  It was very inspiring, but then I think what would to do without television.  We gave up cable almost four years ago for three reasons: one, I could not afford it, two, I was flipping through my DVR and all I saw was kids shows, and third, television is losing its morals quickly.  But, now, I even want to get rid of the television all together, because even without cable we spend way too much time watching TV.  My youngest child was walking around Home Depot saying, “I am a Vulcan, I have no emotions and I am from the plant Vulcan” while trying to make the hand signal.  I decided then that we watched too much television and definitely too much Star Trek.  Of course, we have watched all Star Trek The Next Generation (twice), Deep Space Nine, Voyager and recently Enterprise.  There are so many other things that we could be doing instead of sitting around watching television like riding bikes, board games, dinner at the table, laundry, etc.

We have been without the television about two weeks, and the evenings had been pretty easy with board games and bike riding.  This weekend was a little bit harder, we did spend sometime with at a friends, grilling, gardening and cleaning house but I did crave in and we watched a movie on the computer.  I still have not plugged the television back in, because I know we will be in the same spot again never turning the television off.  I believe my munchkins are having television withdraw also.  I took a nap today, and then I woke up my kids were watching Netflix on the computer.  I know, I started it then we watched that movie last night, but it just shows that we are addicted to television.  I fear what winter is going to be like without being able to get out of the house.

What are your thoughts on television?  The shows on television? How does television affect you and your family?

6 comments June 3, 2014

God are YOU there?

Have you ever wondered if God was there?  Over the last several days, I have been praying for answered to various questions, and I got nothing.  I mean I know God is there but I feel so lost and empty sometimes.  So, is God just sitting back to see if I have learned the lessons to be able to handle these situations?  Am I missing the answer? Why does the valley seem so empty?  I what to believe God is here with me in this valley but I do not feel Him.  I feel sad, scared, frustrated and a lone.  Then, I do cry out to God for direction……nothing.   I know the Bible says, God is will us through the valleys (Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Ps 23:4) but why cannot a feel Him?  How can I follow God then I cannot hear or feeling His presence in my heart?  How do I know the steps to take?  Is this where my faith comes in?  Or, maybe this is my lack of God knowledge?  Or, maybe Satan is blocking the message, in hopes I will rumble.  I do not know.  I do know that our hearts can deceive us, and that no matter what I feel God is here and that even if I make the wrong decisions through this valley He is still here.

3 comments June 3, 2014

How to Kill 11 Million People by Andy Andrew

Hmmmm……I book on how to kill eleven million, why would I read a book like that. But, after hearing an interview from the author Andy Andrew on EntreLeadership podcast, I was intrigued. Again, was so ecstatic to read this book, I called three different bookstores when Barnes and Noble did not have the book locally. I so wanted to know what the secret is to facing issues with your opponents and actually achieve more than arguing. I have known for years that, I am not going to change your opinion and you are probably not going to change mine, but how do you work together, if there is not a win-win mentality . Andy Andrews did not go into detail of how to work with your opponent but stated repeatedly that the truth is what is important.  It also makes me ponder my involved in my local, state, and federal government.  To be perfectly honest, I vote, but that is about as far as my involvement goes.  I have tuned the world out, because it is depressing and my opinions or ideas are not going to change Washington or stop world hungry. Who wants to hear about the wars, school shoots, gang fights, the trillion-dollar deficit (Obama, you need to listen to Dave Ramsey and get our country on a super tight budget), Obamacare, recession, murders, politics, the party lines, liberal, republican, democrat, conservative…..you get the picture.   Andy Andrews answers to the questions in the back of the book, caused me to stop and think more than the actually story. It was because of people like me, that just sat back and ignored the issues, for whatever reason, are guilty of the crime too. I am a bit ashamed to say that I am part of the problem and that I need to stop blaming Obama, stand up, and demand our leaders to lead with integrity and honor.   When did we become a nation, divided? A nation are lying leaders? I ponder what old Abe Lincoln is thinking about now.  He fought to keep our nation together because he knew we could not stand divided.  What is the old saying, divide and conquer?  Growing up watching shows like Knight Rider, Matlock, StarTrek (the Next Generation), Murder, She Wrote, Walker, Texas Ranger, I always wanted to be the one who stood up to the bad guys, even if I was in danger.  Now, as an adult looking back, I let fear and discord settle in my spirit instead.  I believe now is the time to be involved, because to change a town, city, county, state, country, and the world starts with me.

Add a comment March 26, 2014

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