Posts tagged ‘loss ‘


Today, I sit here writing a blog about my favorite love story while you are about to see your love after twenty years of being apart. I am excited and a little jealous that you will soon meet Jesus face to face and see Papa again. I pray that you are not suffering and that your journey from this world is quick and peaceful. I wonder what is going to happen to the family now that the glue holding us together is dissolving. Will we stay in contact? Or will we just see each other at weddings and funerals? Then Papa passed our family traditions started to fade. It started with the 4th of July, the first holiday after Papa passed and then progressed to Thanksgiving the next year with Auntie’s heart attack. Then Christmas as us kids grew up and moved away and had children of our own. A few months ago, when, I drove back to Little Town, USA to help pack your house so it could be sold, it was a surreal feeling. I remember driving into town thinking, there is not a single reason to ever come back here. I do not generally visit Auntie and Uncle, and if I did it would not be here. The saying, “You can never return home,” felt so true. I have wondered where we will gather as a family once you have passed, because your house would have been where we would gather. Are we even going to gather as one big family? The time between a passing and the funeral is always a special time to just stop, reflect, and just remember the times with the one who has passed. Are we going to get that as a extended family or just going to be our branch of the family tree gathered together? I do not know, what will happened but I know we will be okay. You have raised all us kids to be strong and faithful and love God with all our hearts. GG, I am so blessed to have you as a Grandma. You took me in then things were rough at home and taught me to love my Mom through our differences and for who she is by letting go of the past. You would tell me that you did not know how I did it, being a single Mom, but GG you raised your younger brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and many more kids in the community. Even my children have memories with their Great Great Grandma, how awesome is that. I wish, I could just have one more minute with you just to tell you, I love you. And, well, to see whether you would love or hate the Christmas present, I made you :). It is your favorite color red, but I did tear a Baptist hymnal up to use the pages. I can see both your reactions: you loving it and then the scolding for destroying a hymnal. But, then, I was committing my felony (the destruction of the hymnal), I was remembering all the hymns you would sing while you went about your business. You said you could not carry a tune, but I loved to hear you sing. I still love to hear those old hymns, it is like being at your house during summer vacation. I loved summers with you and Papa. You would sit me up on the counter and teach me to cook, well, try to teach me. On Saturday’s, we would take you to the beauty shop and we would help Papa clean house. Then we would pick you up and go to Hardee’s for a roast beef sandwich, then on to do the groceries shopping. I remember our allowance was 1.50 a week. I remember, it taking two very long painful weeks to save three dollars. 🙂 I learned so much from you, but the biggest were to love, fight, and have compassion. I will miss you, but I will be okay. The hard part is watching my children lose you. GG, how did you help your children through their loses? I did not know, my heart could break this much. I truly understand a Mom’s heart breaking for her children. The heartbreak their dad causing it nothing compared to this. We will be well, GG, because we know you will be with Jesus, and is exactly how I explained it. I am so excited that anytime now, Jesus’ is going to welcome you with open arms and that someday, we will see you again. We will all love and miss you, but rejoice that someday we will meet again because this is not our home.

All my heart,

1 comment January 12, 2015

Being bald

A few things, I had learned about being bald, well, close to it.

First, shampoo does not lather, I thought I should just use less shampoo. Logical, right, less hair, less shampoo, nope, it does not work that way, so I just used my homemade body scrub on my head and it is soft as a baby’s bottom. Okay, not that soft but soft.

Second, not use your expensive microfiber towel on your head as it may cause tearing or sagging. My head is soft but feels like Velcro, hence why people people like to rub a shaven head and now my head.

Third, the feel of the air against my head is still pretty weird, but it has been 29 years since I have felt air on my head.

Fourth, I think my hair is growing before my eyes.

Fifth, I think, I have a rebound headache of sorts without the weight on my hair. Weird

Sixth, my hair was a great cushion then I hit my head in those tiny bathroom stalls.

Seventh, I feel very liberated, like GI Jane.

Eighth, and most important, the word is spreading so ask me about my bald head, and I will happily tell you.

2 comments July 31, 2012


More MAD LOVE support of Team Madison. Go check out, Jennifer’s new do. I love her pictures. Let’s kick cancers butt.

1 comment July 30, 2012

Cancer Sucks…..

Well, I did it. I had been think of just writing the blog about Madison’s mommy shaving her head, then I read Jennifer’s blog wondering if she was brave enough and wondered why not. I thought at first it would be weird because I was not that close to Madison or her beautiful Mommy, then I saw how excited she was about the out poring of support and thought why not. Then reality sat in, I love my hair and I would really miss it and people would stare and question, and the big question, what if my beautiful curly hair did not grow back, but grew in straight or flat or different and what am I to do if short hair. I have had twenty-nine years to figure out how to do my hair in less than five minutes. Gel or ponytail. Mind, you that the clipper have been sitting out on my bathroom cabinet since last week, and all day they were calling my name. Then, I saw my dear friend and son shave their heads in support, and totally wanted to do it too. How many chances in a lifetime does a girl get in shave her hair in support? So, why not, but the question still plagued me, is my curly hair going to grow back? Then, I thought who cares my hair is half gray already so does it matter? Nope!!!



Here are the before and after picture. I did remember afterward that my sister wedding in two months away, and she is going to kill but their are wigs. I have to say that this is pretty cool.

Thank you Madison and Amy for inspiring me and reminding me for special life is and how blessed, I am. If you feel lead to help Amy reach her goal here is the link.

And for my Papa who lost his battle with cancer in 1995, Uncle who is currently is remission, and Joetta who is battle cancer again, prayers for you.

9 comments July 29, 2012

Blessed and inspired

Yesterday, was my Munchkins birthday. The previous night, I cuddled my sweet munchkin and thanked God for the what an amazing blessing I have. Then, I thought Lord if anything ever happens to either one of my children please remind my of this very moment and the blessings You have given me already and to be thankful for the time, I had with them. I do not know if, that is a morbid thought or not but I know that tomorrow is not promised to us and many of us including me take it for granted much of the time. But, I have heard my Grammy’s stories of the loss of her first child and seen how it has shaped my grandparent’s lives, and more recently, I have seen and read stories of children battling cancer especially one little girl named Madison. I work with her beautiful mother and got to know a little bit about what a beautiful courageous girl Madison was through her mom and through her blog. My heart breaks for her parents, and every time, I hug my munchkins, I thank God and say a pray for Madison’s mom. Who I can only image would give anything to hold her beautiful Madison again. It reminds me of an interview, I saw of the Chapman’s after they lost their previous Maria, where Mary Beth said and I am trying to paraphrasing here, “as a mother, I want my Maria back, I do not care how many lives her death has touched,” I could not even began to image, and to be perfect honest I do not want to. I do, however, want to help but I am not good with words or encouragement and I wish I could just hug them and not out of sadness or pity but out of strength. I have been blessed and inspired through Madison and her mom and through other families, I have gotten to know through Team Madison. So, I ask you to say a prayer for these families who have lost children and the ones still fighting and remember tomorrow is not promised so savory every moment even the moments that make you want to scream or cry because you think your heart is broken.

2 comments July 11, 2012


Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the point where our relationship started to crumble and fight for you instead of crawling into myself and letting my pride get in the way. I wonder if it would have made a difference? There has been several times I have fought and lost you, but I was fighting for selfish reasons and it was only half-hearted. Then the last few months, I let my fear and bitterness sideline me. I did not want to go down the same road again and I would talk to you and get so excited and make plans and get all these expectations of you and would be hurt then you did not meet them. I bet you did not even know I had all these exceptions for you to meet. I reasoned to myself was that I wanted you to focus on you but that is half true and half cop out. I have cried many many night for our relationship. I have been on my hands and knees begging God to touch you and us and if nothing else to just let you feel me wherever you were to just feel my love for you in your heart or to feel my hand holding yours. I do not know the answer to those prayers, I have never thought to ask you. We both know the number of times we have said goodbye to each other and it was never easy for me but I definitely tried to give that impression and I do not know if you saw through it or not. I know you hit the nail on the head when you said, I was afraid of being hurt. I was and I was afraid of the blow to my pride of being that girl who just could not let go. You use to tell me to loved me but I did not believe it because I could not feel it in your words or your actions like I could in the beginning. You know me, actions speak louder than words, and I expected you to be the guy I fell in love. I wanted that so badly and just did not know how to tell you that is want I needed. I pushed you away and hardened my heart and let the bitterness slowly creep in because I was not the person that you choice to include in your life. I always fell like the back up plan and instead of saying something and I let it fester. I do not know if that is what you believed or not but I should have faced it head on and save us both a lot of heartache.

Father’s Day was the final blow and the ultimate and ultimates, then I got that text, “I do not love you anymore.”. Talk about a slap in the face, and yes I wanted to hurt you as badly as you had just hurt me. I did snap a little trying to defend my position and that I was not all to blame, and wanted to pop on a plane to go shake some since into you. I wanted to go run out and grab the first single guy out there or change my Facebook status to In a relationship or post the song that (you know the one that where she just wants to hold on through the night and she will let go) or post sappy stuff dating or a new guy etc etc. I biggest fear over the last five plus years is that I would lose you and not by me walking away and I have. It is sobering and heartbreaking and I just want to scream pick me pick me (I believe I actually did that once) and scratch the other girl’s eyes out but the grownup inside of me just wants you to be happy even if that is without me.

Forty thousand chips and cantaloupe

Add a comment June 23, 2012

Grieving week it seems

Well, this week has been bittersweet; it has been a week of letting go, grieving, and moving on. As I have said before letting go of my relationship with my munchkins’ dad has been hard that is why our relationship has been on again off again over the last fiveish years. But the text meant for the girlfriend send to me by mistake was a good indictor that we are both moving on. I was a pretty good sport about it….well for the most part, but I did discover there is still some bitterness there that I have to let go of. Then events on Wednesday ended a close friendship and today was the anniversary of my Papa death. I cannot believe it has been seventeen years, but today I stopped to remember with a few tears and a great joy of getting twelve years full of memories with my Great-Grandpa, not many people can say that.

Well, I give myself the rest of the day to sad or upset or frustrated and then it is time to put my big girl panties on and move on.


You can purchase your our big girl panties keychain here

I have a lot of work to do including making a pillow case dress, swimming with the munchkins, tons of laundry, and finishing Dad’s presents.

Add a comment June 8, 2012


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