Posts tagged ‘relationship ‘


As I lay here trying to sleep, thinking about how long it is been since I have been in a
relationship, it occurred to me that I have never been in a safe intimate relationship
that I truly trusted the other person. Granted, I have only had two serious
relationships, one being my ex-husband and the second been my munchkins dad, so
my experience is lacking. But, I could never just be with them. With my ex-husband,
I was to busy being the needy dependent one to open our relationship to that level
and with my munchkins dad, I was to busy trying to live up to his crazy high
standards and what his ulterior motive was. I have
discovered that, I crave a safe truly intimate (more than the physical) relationship
with someone who will be my best friend love me faults and all. Someone who
knows to leave me be when, I am angry but knows to stay close by. Someone who
coddles me then I am sick. Someone who just holds my hand because they know
that is my love language. Someone who loves my munchkins, because the way to a
mother’s hearts is to love her kids as they were yours. Someone who will kiss me
without the expectation of sex, because it is intimately sweet and shows that I am
special. Someone who can shoot the breeze with my dad and show my mom
respect, but know then to stand up for me. Someone to share my interest
with like archery or just sitting down on the porch watch a good old fashion
thunderstorm roll through. Someone to smile, at how I get excited over the
dumbest things, someone who gets excited at me getting excited. Someone, who I can share their life with and know them as intimately as I know myself. I want a
relationship and marriage like my friend had that last fifty plus years.

Now, with that being said, am going to pounce on the first guy that shows a bit of
interest or sit back and watch life pass me by. Absolutely not, I am content with my
life, and blessed beyond belief, and this craving because does not change that, but
opens my eyes to what I need to have a safe intimate relationship and what I am
capable of giving. And, God will either put him in my path or take the crave
from my heart, but either way God is in control and He knows the journey that is ahead
for me. 

Add a comment April 24, 2015

Runway Bride……I am a runner, are you?

Do you remember that movie Runway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere?  The movie where Julia Robert character runs from all her weddings moments before she is to exchange her vows?  I tend to be a runner, then things start to look like I am going to be hurt…..I run and depending on who you are depends on how fast I run.  On New Years Day, I got mad at one of my dear friends. Our friendship has always been rocky, so my first instinct was to get my things, she had and be done with this friendship.  But, God reminded me of my motto for 2015 which is QBQ?  I could not fail on the first day of 2015, and I have a sneaking feeling that I need to go to her church and I did not want the white elephant in the room.  So, I ask her what I could do to fix this?  We did not really resolve the issue, but I realized through our discussion that God has place some really amazing people in my life to help my through the changes coming this year.  I even tried running when I learned of these changes. But God said nope, and has closed every door I have tried to open myself. I believe He has given me the support and equipment to handle the changes and allowed me to see what I need to learn. I even try running from God, then I think He has giving up on me.  Sometime, I cannot feel God, and I beg to just be able to feel His present and then I do not, that is then the doubt set in.  Is God real? Why would He care what I think or do?  If God is real why cannot I feel Him? Why did He leave me?  What did I do wrong? Why? Why? Why?  Is the question at hand.  This is when I general run fast and furious and shut Him out of my life.  No matter, what I do I cannot run from God, and I am tired of running.  You cannot out run hurt.  We are going to hurt and be hurt, it is  part of life.  I have discovered that many of my hurts are because I had false expectations for others.  My prayer today is that I have less expectations for others and just allow them and me to be who we are without expectations.

Add a comment January 5, 2015


Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the point where our relationship started to crumble and fight for you instead of crawling into myself and letting my pride get in the way. I wonder if it would have made a difference? There has been several times I have fought and lost you, but I was fighting for selfish reasons and it was only half-hearted. Then the last few months, I let my fear and bitterness sideline me. I did not want to go down the same road again and I would talk to you and get so excited and make plans and get all these expectations of you and would be hurt then you did not meet them. I bet you did not even know I had all these exceptions for you to meet. I reasoned to myself was that I wanted you to focus on you but that is half true and half cop out. I have cried many many night for our relationship. I have been on my hands and knees begging God to touch you and us and if nothing else to just let you feel me wherever you were to just feel my love for you in your heart or to feel my hand holding yours. I do not know the answer to those prayers, I have never thought to ask you. We both know the number of times we have said goodbye to each other and it was never easy for me but I definitely tried to give that impression and I do not know if you saw through it or not. I know you hit the nail on the head when you said, I was afraid of being hurt. I was and I was afraid of the blow to my pride of being that girl who just could not let go. You use to tell me to loved me but I did not believe it because I could not feel it in your words or your actions like I could in the beginning. You know me, actions speak louder than words, and I expected you to be the guy I fell in love. I wanted that so badly and just did not know how to tell you that is want I needed. I pushed you away and hardened my heart and let the bitterness slowly creep in because I was not the person that you choice to include in your life. I always fell like the back up plan and instead of saying something and I let it fester. I do not know if that is what you believed or not but I should have faced it head on and save us both a lot of heartache.

Father’s Day was the final blow and the ultimate and ultimates, then I got that text, “I do not love you anymore.”. Talk about a slap in the face, and yes I wanted to hurt you as badly as you had just hurt me. I did snap a little trying to defend my position and that I was not all to blame, and wanted to pop on a plane to go shake some since into you. I wanted to go run out and grab the first single guy out there or change my Facebook status to In a relationship or post the song that (you know the one that where she just wants to hold on through the night and she will let go) or post sappy stuff dating or a new guy etc etc. I biggest fear over the last five plus years is that I would lose you and not by me walking away and I have. It is sobering and heartbreaking and I just want to scream pick me pick me (I believe I actually did that once) and scratch the other girl’s eyes out but the grownup inside of me just wants you to be happy even if that is without me.

Forty thousand chips and cantaloupe

Add a comment June 23, 2012


I have been turning this over and over in my head since our monthly lunch. I like going to lunch but I always feel like the dead wood, and I have a nasty colon issue. I mean, I am a pretty hard core black and white single mom who does not generally take guff from anyone and being politically correct, well do you know me? I am hundred and eighty degrees different life from everyone else. I send my evenings at home with my munchkins for two reasons: one is because I choose to because my munchkins will only be young once and second because going out is not in the budget. So their is little I can contribute to the conversations and I am not close to any of them. I do not have the rapport that they seems to have with each other, which I partly my choice and partly because you have to want to get to know me to actually get to know me. Yes, stubborn, I know, but I am not one for polite talk, do not trust easily, and up until the last two years I work to work. I have learned over the last two years the importance of building business relationships. I have a few co- workers I would honor with the word friend. So, all and all, I set back relax and listen to the conversations and make sure that if I do have something to say that it will actually contribute to the topic and not be that annoying person who throws things out or sounds stupid. All and all, I am getting better with our monthly lunches before I would shake in my boots well, my heels because I am a loner and I know that I am difficult (yes, I am working on being a better person) and now, I do look forward to our lunches and just pray a topic comes up that I understand strongly so that I can say something to contribute to the conversation and not be dead wood.

Add a comment June 22, 2012


The last six years give or take of my life have been an up and down roller coaster which came to a head a few days ago and end some important friendships and I thought I had made.  And, the last few days and been both incredible hard and incredible blessing.  For the last few days,  I have wanted to do is scream and yell to get this them to see my side and experiences and see what I do and to stop pushing my button and knowledge that I am right and am going my part plus.  Then, yesterday, then I was listening to the Smalley podcast, God spoke to me (not audibly) well confronted me that I was trying to change them.   I stopped and said no, God, I would not try to change them, and it was like God okay, and just sat back and waiting for me to listen to the rest on the podcast (I feel like Paul Harvey….and the rest of the story).  As the podcast continue, I saw that God has right.  I was trying to change them.  Now what, well, a lesson in humility because regardless of what I when about it I saw tried to change them and my consequences from that were great.  A hard lesson learned that I cannot change anyone but myself and how I react.  Lord, please, continue to bless me through this.


To listen to some great podcast on relationships and family tune it on the Smalley podcast

Add a comment April 14, 2012


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